Sometimes I just dont care.....

The play rehearsal, yestarday,was good.... i guess. I am on the production team ... there are two more people.... I have to actually play subhani... nice name! She has to carry stuff lying on the stage back into the wings during blackout. She is not dumb .. but she never speaks. What is important is that the group I am working with is the best in Delhi... I didnt know ... mom told me. My friends have not heard the name of the group ... so what ... what do they know about quality theare. We youngsters (I dont like this word) live in our own little world we no nothing. Learn from older people... like moms and dads .. they have experience... that's the key word .. experience.... I want to have my own experience. I am insignificant, but its a big group. "Its too big a thing to even get an entrance into the group... I would have gone even if they called me for prompting"she says. " you must give something to the group when you leave, so they remember you and call you back. "he says. " you have got a very big opurtunity at such an early age" they all say.
I have to be practical. I should not expect. What was I thinking they'll make me the head of production huh! I am tooooooo small..... small.....small....small. I will work hard. I ll do everything that will be given to me with sincerity. I'll clean up the dishes with a lot of conviction. I like the director she gave me the script to read. I am not being sarcastic.

Why am i writing all this. I have got enslaved to this blogging thing. I dont like it. I do like it.
You have to start from somewhere. So many people have started with "maaroing jhadoo" on stage so I should be happy that I am better off.

But I wonder how they felt when they couldn't reach anywhere. When the only next step for them was being promoted to the level of stage management. The terms may be many but the concept is still the same.
I have seen it and I have no fears stating it that people donot respect backstage workers.
especially in theatre.
Dont tell me shit like ... i am too young and haven't seen anything. I have seen enough and I can think.
But maybe thats not true. Maybe I am being judgemental.
Maybe today I don't care if I am right or wrong.....
I am sure ... this is the reality for some of those people who always work behind the curtains. Hesitant to come forward even during curtain call. But they don't forget to wish their actors all the luck before they step on to the stage. And they always have a silent smile on their face.

The play is over... I wrote this long back
but i dont know why I didnt publish it. I probably was afraid that someone might take it as an offence. Now i dont care.

I cry for you , when I miss you
I want to see you again.. and again
does that make me a lover?

I want to kill him at times
I hate the way he is too sure about himself
I want to hurt him
does that make me a killer?

She is the only friend I have
sometimes I want to hug her
cuddle with her ... even kiss her
does that make me a lesbian?

Sometimes I don't say what I am thinking
I rather say what seems right
seems appealing... to others.. not me
does that make me a dissembler?

At times, I cry without any reason
I often experience periods of elation along with depression
does that make me a neurotic?

I got 94% in 12th boards
I topped my school... once in 14 years
does that make me a topper... for life???

I hate definitions
I reject categorization
I don't want to hold on to any schemas
I want to change my way of thinking

let's begin
by not naming my thoughts
this piece will remain untitled.....

I am not sad..... Its just the weather!!!

There are bed time stories .... but no sleep
There are conversations... but no eye contact
There are seasons... but no changes in the colour of the sky
There are dreams..... but no sleep

There are stones..... but no river
There are funerals...... but no cries
There are empty houses... but no homecomings
There is gurgling of water...... but no river.

There are......
counterfeit emotions
white lies
non- belongers
afflictions
forsaken lands
empty roads awaiting visitors
benighted countrymen.......

Let's not talk of hope today!!

NO.... I have nothing against men drinking whiskey or eating chicken!!!

Every day she is dying
trying to live with the man , she called, her "life partner"
and I can only pretend to understand
what she is going through.


Every night she sleeps next to that man
He afflicts her with his breath
she turns her face away, gasping for air
his breath stinks of whiskey. (The man's true love!)
and I can only hope for the night to pass.

I can only try to hear.. her silent screams
I don't intend to change anything
as the man ..... was her true love

I am entitled to my opinion

Men eat chicken.... like they make love to a woman.

My Dad is 56... but he plays with a toy train!!

Today Dad came inside my room...
holding a dirty big cardboard box
and said," have you ever played with a toy train before?" (I had not ) but i said.. what are you talking about??? He opened the dusty cover.
There was a black toy train. The engine was black and the compartments were rust colour.
Everything was carefully placed in the slot cut out of the thermacol. Though the box was old but the content was good as new.
Mom was least excited about the whole thing. We looked for the right place to spread the tracks and join them together in a circle. After we finished, he pressed the switch. (it's an electric train)
...... It did not move...... he tried several times. It still did not move. He got up , looked at it for sometime. Dismantled it and kept in back , inside the dirty box.
... i know...
the little boy inside him must have cried
but grown-ups are not suppose to cry over a toy train.

Good to clean your house (once in a while!!)

Today i cleaned my study, actually... let me be honest, my dad cleaned it . My job was to just glance over all the "rubbish", (as mom calls it) and throw away most of it. Yeah! those were mom's words, "you and your dad have a habit of collecting junk. THROW EVERYTHING YOU DON'T NEED" The junk , the rubbish included scraps of paper, my new year resolutions, old pictures, beads( i don't remember when i collected them), poems (incomplete ones... most of them..because at one point of time I always compared them with others (which were undoubtedly better than mine) and left them incomplete ..... thinking i can come up with something better ... something which people will appreciate.... huh! nonsense!!. Other things like... my slam book, its strange but there was a question in my slam book which said," name the boy/girl you love" and all my friends struck out the word "love" and wrote "like". One of them even wrote i love girls but i dont love any boy... this was in a junior class offcourse! but its funny!!at that age loving a boy meant only one thing .... (and now????)

There were so many things i had written .. just like that on pieces of paper... one liners (by someone else offcourse) few lines of hindi film songs.

My time tables, that i never followed... and still don't. But earlier the time tables used to be elaborate, very descriptive... i had a certain time assigned for everything. Even how many minutes i will talk on the phone and for how long will i read a book. Maybe the only exception was, at what time I'll go to the loo. (This reminded me of the scene in Dil Chahta Hai).

No mom! All this is not junk. these are the only moments that will remind me of the journey i have made so far. How much i have changed. How much is still the same. All my play brochures,all the unsuccessful attempts I made to actually write a play.... reminds of my love for theatre. I had started thinking like any other "responsible adult" .... that i should just study hard.. get a job as a counselor or something in a private firm.. mint money ... and avail all the luxuries of life. But i can't let go of the fun I have when we work together as a team, trying to put up a play, discussing different characters and how you empathise with them. I don't care for chinese or thai... even that aloo samosa with hot tea is great when you have interesting people around you. Adding spice with their amazing experiences.

I didnt just clean the study today... I brushed off the dust that had settled on my childhood dreams and fantacies which still await an entrance into the world of.. reality.

2006

On this new year.....
if you have been thinking of doing something ...
JUST DO IT!

for example.....

If you have been reading blogs
and want to start your own
GO AHEAD.. DO IT! (don't think about whether people will appreciate or not)

Happy new year to everyone!!
:)